THE GOOFY NAME GAME
By Dan Miller
December 28, 2007
Pardon my silliness, but a story in our 10 o'clock newscast shortly before Christmas ignited this particular thought process in my brain.
The story was about a young woman in Utah named Mary Young who had married a man named Brian Christmas.
She thus became 'Mary Christmas' and -- during the recent holidays -- she had the unique experience of not knowing for sure whether someone was calling her name or simply extending a holiday greeting.
That little story was all I needed to kick off a round of "If They Married" in the newsroom.
I offer 15 examples for your consideration (some old, some new):
1) If Bo Derek married Bo Diddley, she would suddenly become Bo Diddley.
2) If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
3) If Happy Rockefeller married Eliot Ness, she'd be Happy Ness.
4) If NBC's Hoda Kotb married Truman Capote, she'd be Hoda Capote.
5) If Lindsay Lohan married George Lindsey, she'd be forever known as Lindsay "Goober" Lindsey.
6) If Paris Hilton married Bill France, she'd be Paris France.
7) If Ivana Trump married Harvey Levine... then divorced him and married Johnny Knoxville... she'd be Ivana Levine Knoxville.
8) If Sissy Spacek married Manfred Mann, she'd be Sissy Mann.
9) If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.
10) If Whoopie Goldberg married Peter Cushing, she'd be Whoopie Cushing.
11) If Sondra Locke married Elliot Ness... then divorced him to marry Herman Munster... she'd be Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
12) If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean... King Oscar (of Norway)... movie mogul Louis B. Mayer... and mathematician Norbert Wiener... she'd become Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
13) If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
14) If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.
And finally...
15) If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers... then somehow married the old TV character Mr. Lucky... then divorced and married Martin Short... then later married football kicker Ray Guy... she'd have the unforgettable name of Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.
Happy New Year folks.... now I'm officially going back to work.
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