A DISCUSSION OF CHOPSTICKS

By Dan Miller
November 9, 2007

There are at least two things I simply cannot do.... juggle, and use chopsticks.

My wife and daughter are quick to utilize chopsticks whenever we visit an Asian restaurant.
But I always ask them the same question…..
Why struggle with those straight, clumsy, wooden sticks when we always have at our disposal a wonderful little innovation known as the “fork?”

Now, I'll admit -- even using a fork -- it’s rare that I make it through a meal without a few drops or drips on my tie or shirt.
That’s because -- I’m convinced -- there’s a mysterious force in nature that attracts drops and drips to my clothing…. and the force grows even more powerful when I’m wearing a brand new shirt or tie.
Somehow it knows.

In fact, you can multiply the odds of a stain appearing on my clothes by about 10 when I’m eating really greasy food.
And, on the rare occasion when I attempt to eat with chopsticks, the odds of something dropping multiply by about 10,000.

I searched the internet and found dozens of websites offering tips and training on how to use chopsticks.
They actually suggest you spend a little time at home in the evening practicing with chopsticks.
I dunno…. I became reasonably competent with a fork when I was about 4 years old, and I really don’t want to spend my evenings as a grown man practicing chopsticks.

There are also lots of websites dedicated to chopstick facts and etiquette.

Did you know, for example, that Chinese and Japanese chopsticks are different?
While Chinese chopsticks are usually made of unfinished wood or bamboo, the Japanese variety usually have lacquered wood.

If -- like my wife and daughter -- you feel you must use chopsticks, don’t forget basic chopstick etiquette.
A few actual examples cited:

1) When you’re not using your chopsticks, you’re supposed to place them on the table facing to your left.
2) Don't lick your chopsticks.
3) Never use your chopstick to point at anything.
4) Don't wave your chopsticks in the air.
5) Don't cross your chopsticks on the table, unless you want to signal to your server that you're ready for your check.
6) Never push chopsticks into your food, with the other end sticking up in the air.

As a parent, I can add a few more "unofficial" chopstick rules of etiquette:

1) Don't use your chopstick to bop your little sister on the head.
2) Don't throw your chopstick like a spear at other people.
3) Don't use your chopstick like a baseball bat to hit little rolled up wads of paper across the restaurant.
4) Don't use chopsticks to drum on the table.
5) Don't stick chopsticks in your nose to impersonate a walrus.
6) Don't juggle the chopsticks. (not a temptation for me, since I can't juggle)

Many food experts say Asian food actually tastes better when it’s eaten with wooden chopsticks….
I say, any food tastes better when you can actually get it into your mouth.
That’s why I’m a confirmed and committed fork-eater.

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