STOP THE GATORADE MADNESS!
By Dan Miller
January 2, 2007
OK, it was mildly amusing the first 75 or 80 times I saw it.
But the time has come to ring the curtain down on this incredibly annoying ritual in football championship games.
I mean, really.... is dumping a big cooler of Gatorade on the coach the best way to honor and celebrate the person who led a team to victory?
Whatever happened to simply putting the coach on the shoulders of a couple of players and carrying him, or her, across the field?
That was classy and meaningful.
Oh, maybe I'm just an old curmudgeon.... but, yes, it bothers me to see perfectly fine clothes ruined, and a grown man drenched in a sticky liquid, purely for 2 seconds of celebration (or humiliation).
Here's something else.... I strongly suspect that the folks who market Gatorade probably encourage (maybe even pay for) -- and certainly provide free Gatorade -- for the publicity that comes with these celebratory baths.
Think about it.... the TV cameras never seem to miss showing this wasteful ritual.
Believe it or not, there are even some health concerns associated with the Gatorade bath.
Some doctors have warned that dumping ice cold liquid on the neck of certain people could actually lead to death.
For years there's been speculation that the death of coach George Allen in 1990 was a direct result of having ice water dumped on him.
Nothing's ever been proven, but -- coincidentally -- Allen died of pneumonia within a few weeks of the drenching.
Anyhow.... if the players think it's necessary to humiliate their coach for the job he's done.... there might be new, innovative ways to do that.
Some suggestions:
(1) Gang tickle the coach until he falls on the ground in utter submission, and -- with any luck -- wets his pants.
(2) When victory is at hand, take out some electric clippers and shave a big row right across the coach's head. This one would provide weeks of humiliation and fun.
(3) How 'bout smashing a cream-filled pie right in the coach's face, like the old vaudeville acts?
This would be wildly entertaining, and -- who knows -- with a few extra pies, it could easily escalate into a full scale pie-fight with the losing team.
(4) Sneak up on the coach and draw a mustache and glasses on his face with a permanent ink Sharpie. You'd get hours, even days, of residual effects from this one.... and I'm sure the good folks at Sharpie would provide free pens for the entire team.
(5) Why not, instead of Gatorade, try a different liquid for dumping.... maybe Karo Syrup. This would render the sidelines slippery for weeks, which could make for even more hilarity as players and referees slip and fall.
(6) If all else fails, what's wrong with a good, old-fashioned wedgie?
Just some stuff to think about.
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