ALEKTOROPHOBIA -- THE FEAR OF CHICKENS

BY DAN MILLER
(originally posted January 28, 2005)

I have no desire to witness a cockfight. I've seen pictures, and they're not a pretty sight.

And that's despite the fact that -- as a child -- I would often stand in the backyard and watch the bloody spectacle of Mrs. McKinney, our next door neighbor, ringing the heads off her chickens.

If I really wanted to see a cockfight, I could do it legally in either Louisiana or New Mexico.... or apparently, much closer to home -- illegally.

But, you know, in the state of Oklahoma, I might actually enjoy watching cockfighting, if State Senator Frank Shurden gets his way.

Sen. Shurden has introduced legislation that would allow the roosters to be given little boxing gloves so they can fight without bloodshed. The padded gloves would be placed over their natural spurs.

He makes a good point... "Who's going to object to chickens fighting like humans do?", he said.

He's dead serious. Cockfighting was legal in Oklahoma -- and generated considerable revenue -- until 2002, when voters banned it.
Shurden says his proposal would answer all the problems. He says, "it saves the industry, takes blood out of the sport, and generates revenue for Oklahoma."

You know, he might be onto something.

Here are 10 other things I might also enjoy seeing:

1.) Monkey slap fights. No biting, or hitting..... just monkeys slapping each other.

2.) Goat butting bouts. The goats would, of course, be fitted with little football helmets.

3.) Cow fights. Nice, gentle fights with lots of mooing.

4.) Watch Where You Step! It would be played by humans immediately following the cow fight, in the same ring.

5.) Snail fighting. Of course, if they work up a sweat, this could be brutal. (Have you seen what salt does to a snail?)

6.) Old man pillow fighting.

7.) Cussing contests. Contestants would stand in the middle of a ring and "cuss each other out", as my mother used to describe it. Whoever breaks down in tears first, loses. This would not be for the kids.

8.) Full contact shuffleboard.

9.) Gentle ball. A ball game with no physical contact, and no one even speaks to their opponent.
Oh wait, that's golf....

10.) Endurance contests. Contestants would sit very still.... in total silence.... not moving.... just staring straight ahead.... often in the baking sun.
Oh sorry, that's already being done...... it's called fishing.

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